you...envy of all bees...

i was thinking while taking a shit about a dream i had a couple of months ago about a wolf following my baby sister. i was really scared and i told my dad about the wolf, but he didn't seem to believe me as if he couldn't see the wolf. my baby sister was sweating because the wolf was breathing down her neck. and i couldn't help but relate this to her starving herself.

she's only 3-4 years old. it's hard to keep track! i have a lot of siblings!

when she went to sacramento with my mom, and this was during her stage of taking things in and mimicking people and things....my mom's sister was having marital issues and they were telling my baby sister that she shouldn't eat a lot because if she gets fat than no one will ever like her, especially boys.

ever since then, she's been starving herself and she only eats candies...that's why she always has upset stomachs. and if she wants chicken nuggets from micky d's, my mom will go get her some because she wants her baby to eat. she's so skinny, she weighs less than my baby niece who hasn't even turned one yet and still has to sit in a car seat because of laws and whatnot.

when i saw her several weeks back, i had to manipulate her into eating by telling her if she doesn't eat, she can't go swimming with us or she can't go places with us, which she loves tagging along...but if my mom says she's going somewhere else, she will take my mom's side because she loves my mom a lot.

i sent my siblings a korean movie called, "maeumi" or "hearty paws" a while back and when she watched the movie, she was crying so much my dad had to yell at my mom to console the baby! it was cute! she already has a heart at such a young age!

she's so sassy too...whatever she watches, she memorizes the whole movie, word for word and uses them as references in conversation or will use lines from movies for retaliation...and she loves pretending to be asleep when she's not.

she's also pretty fobby just because my mom dresses her up like how she dresses. hehe. it's cute though. i'm glad my mom has my baby sister and us too...because without her...my mom probably would be going crazy still. hehe.

i had the weirdest dream last nite...

i was still in minneapolis visiting, but was divided from everyone else. i was dropped off at this amusement park place and before i went to use the bathroom, i was in this trolley that became a magic carpet ride ( i know...haha) and it went up and down like a roller coaster. finally, i got off with all these other Caucasian people. We all headed to the bathroom, there was a small aisle then these stalls that were short enough so that everyone could see everything. there were no toilets, instead, there were these aluminum vases that were Moroccan style. There were waiting seats inside that were also Moroccan style with cushions and everything. I was going to use the vase, but I couldn't because then these two Caucasian ladies came in and one was pregnant so I had to give away my stall because it was weird using the vase while these people were sitting in the same stall looking at you, waiting.

i spotted an empty stall all the way at the corner, so I walked over there. When i got there, i noticed that the pee inside was almost teetering off the top and foaming along with pubic hair, the size of tall grass, sticking out. i almost vomited. it was soooo gross. i can't really remember the rest, but i can remember that it was disgusting. i hope to never experience this in real life. haha. i just had to share this dream though.

errr, tired now. haha. ciaos.

fuck. this is what i mean when i mean i am a fucking mess. i feel like alice in wonderland, but instead of wandering upon this hole. i created this massive hole that is now, simultaneously too big and small for me to get out off. i am incredibly retarded as i like to repeat the same things over and over. i wonder when i got to this point of not caring anymore.

everything was so well, until i entered high school. i know my brain is working because i constantly engage myself into these brain orgies of whatever useless and useful information / debates / philosophical thought i can get. as if anything or nothing mattered at all.

but now i am so mentally retarded as to not give a fucking shit about anything at all. even school. what the fuck is wrong with this pathetic brain of mine? as if the voodoo curses my dad shouted and thinks in his brains has warped myself into this being. but that's so human to blame all your faults on voodoo works, right?

and it's not like i am blaming anyone. but myself. because i after all, know myself better than anyone. anyone who hides anything to themselves knows themselves better than anyone else. what? lol. am i not making any sense again? that's because i really don't want to come across as morbid, but right now, i would like to punch myself silly in the face, slap my face around a couple of times and yell at this certain person pretty much until forever ends.

and finally, wish i wasn't such an emotional mess. ok, peace out. woot woot.

you sigh and you heave. i wait and i tease. a brush of my lashes and you are quickly gone.

is it strange to find myself writing on here when just a moment ago, i was writing a letter to my displaced Japanese friend in China, then was distracted by a moment's weakness. a sudden urgency just to find myself in utter confusion. as if, nothing had happened and everything still seemed so normal.

is it safe to speak in riddles? you won't catch this pattern and spell out these feelings in words you think are mine?

yes, i am pretty much a loony. who loves to laugh. anyway, tired, so i'm saying sayonara...!!

but before i go...johnny depp is so handsome in "happily ever after", lol. i don't gush ever, so i thought i'd gush just this once.

i can't wait to fucking move out on my own. i really absolutely get annoyed when people do something i don't like...like blaring the fan on at high speeds when it is 68 degrees outside, or bringing people over without letting me know...a kind text would be nice to warn me to not clip my hair with a ghetto clothes pin, or drink water out of the bottle while they are standing right behind me,watching me. but i could care less if they saw all that or not. i just don't like having uninvited guests in my place. ughhh...especially if i don't care for them or they are not benefiting me somehow. lol. i know that that makes me sound cruel, but seriously...we already live in a small and confined place to begin with. ughhh. and i don't even know these people, and i don't have walls...only curtains since i fucking live in the living room.

anyway, i just had to rant before i go to sleep, otherwise, it will keep me awake and angry and i do not want to be kept up all night. i could continue on, unwavering, with many swear words, but, i guess i won't. but it would be really nice right now to let out an explosion of yodels or just loud thoughtless words in screams. actually, i really want to tap dance right now. and i am actually typing really loudly on the keyboard because i want them out. but i know i won't be able to get rid of them tonite, so it is senseless, but just the thought of annoying them brings me some kind of consolation.

she always lets them sleep on her bed. what makes tonite so different? is it the fact that all three of them won't fit on the bed? shit, for all i care, they can fucking drag the sofa into her room, and i will feel that much safer. fuck, she can even kill a lion or tiger and drag their skin onto the ground for them to sleep on.

lol. mind you, this is 3:36 in the morning.

i will continue typing until my heart's content.

today was a weird day. i am stuck in my photography and i don't know how to progress from there. i just want to say fuck it all and do whatever comes to my mind without all these borders and walls telling me that i must do this and do that and i must have words to explain my art. i just want to be mute and let the colors of my palette speak for me, and if they are too ambiguous for you to understand, then, maybe i will couple it with a few words, but do not ask me to explain any further than i am willing.

is it weird that i don't want to speak about my work? because just to shed a couple of words about my work leads to talking about me and talking about me is dangerous and gross. to me, a few too many words and it could expose the me that i don't want the world to know or that i am not ready for the world to know. lol. thank goodness i am not a celebrity, huh?

why am i so uncomfortable in my own skin? do i really not trust myself that much? do i really hate myself that much? but as of late, i have just begun to enjoy a different kind of happiness that is setting me off in a diverted road.

ohhh, happiness surely is a warm gun.

that just gave me an idea...when we had to do a photo shoot for a beatles' song:

"happiness is a warm gun"
lying in a snow cave with blue, green, red and purple colors,"cuddling" a gun...lol, literal, but quite interesting...i could make it pop, somehow. you cook it before you inject it.

i love how everyone has their own stories about this song. the lyrics are great.

i am unbearably hungry. i think it is because all i ate today was apple, banana, cheese and crackers, had sangria (10 sips altogether, approximately), papaya salad with rice (xom tum), then two vanilla wafers.

at midnight, i argued with myself to go get something from the 24 hour fried chicken place, because that's the only place i haven't boycotted around these parts of town that is 24 hours, and there are only two. and you would think, being here in manhattan, there would be more. but i didn't feel like eating fried mozzarella sticks or fried spinach rolls, no matter how good they seem when you are hungry. i could've just boiled some rice too, but i was too lazy to get my ass up and clean the rice cooker and make some sushi rice. so now i am hungry and it is too late to do anything about it.

i am preparing, conditioning my body for the intense starvation sessions coming soon. lol. a diet of pita bread with hummus, taboule salad, and fruits. yummmmm. it was an intense time,those days. ahhhh.

i left a window open during the winter time and convinced myself that i had closed all the windows already so i didn't double check and burned my skin off. no matter how much lotion i lathered over my skin, there were cracks everywhere and it hurt. it wasn't until chalba left...after he hugged me and told me that i was losing weight, that i checked and noticed that the window was still open. it was during those moments, that i felt winter for the first time. every time winter comes, so does the familiarity of those moments.

loneliness, for a long time, i was really scared of that. but now that it has been a while...i've kind of conditioned myself from that. it's human, to not want to be alone. we all want somebody to reassure us of our existence. it's also one of the reasons why we have religions. we all need something. just like how we cling to identities.

nite.

lately, my mind has become boxed. too many thoughts, not swimming, but trying to get out of this mind. but if i let one thing out by itself, others want to follow and soon, all chaos breaks lose.

i have a want and a need to cut my hair, completely shave it all bald. nothing seems to fit perfectly and without perfection, i'd rather not have anything at all.

hmmm...what excitement in my life is there worthy of blogging?

i guess nothing at the moment. weird. how i don't care for writing anymore. i don't really have any other outlet right now. well, i have art, but, bwahahahahaha...i just feel like sleeping. and bird's rendition of yah jai kon jon is soooo good. makes me feel like i have wings. but sadly, his other songs are too poppy for me. this is the only one i feel has any passion in it.

like led zeppelin's music. ohhhh. haven't listened to zep in a while.

some days i am so lazy, i wish there was a world mandated uniform. old school uniforms are back in style anyway.

it's not laziness, but just another trend.

I want to be allocated time to heal where time suspends me and only me so I can think without any obstructions. If time waited for me, for human at all, maybe we wouldn’t be such beasts. Such animals to our human counterparts. I wonder what my parents would say and think if I joined a buddhist monastery, but then again, I could never survive in a buddhist monastery. I am a peaceful person, but that not peaceful. I am very impatient and I like to suffer because I keep repeating the same things over and over again just to stress me into old age. I am a horrible disease. How my parents ever survived with me, I don’t know. Not only am I a poor bastard, I am equally matched in my diseased personality. To be human is to crave for suffering. To be human is to wake up after your life is in ruins and accuse your past, “what did I do wrong in my past life to deserve this now?” instead of you in the present. Being alive is a comedy in itself. I find this highly comedic.

"i don't know". that seems to be my favorite past time, present and future.

ahhh, but life is so good. lol.

dammit, fuck my writer's block. it exists! it exists!

my brain right now is ___________________________________. literally a flat line. i have no emotions, nothing. no feelings. wtf? lol. i didn't even cry when i came back from seeing my family and i usually do. lol. but would i rather be an emotional mess than a robot? i guess i'd rather be a robot. i just don't want to create robotic art. and this always happens. when school starts, i empty my mind of emotions, ever since that day. aiiiishhh. fuck me fucdkkkkrwjkerhweoihrwuiohrweuhrewiuhewjrkew.

well, anyway, good nite.

...doo doo doo...

ahhhh...sadness overwhelming me. must be because i am on my period. lol. i felt i needed to write something on here, but now that i am on here, i am at a lost for words. just like i felt like i was hungry so i am boiling some rice right now, but no longer feel the want or appetite for any food at all.

i don't like people who stress me out. because i stress myself out enough. my boss stressed me out because she said that i was being paid to do nothing and made me out like a thief. and that pisses and stresses me out because all of this is being said meanwhile with loss of business and money in one week on her mind. and i hate people who take shit out on other people...not to mention stress out on others with money talks. i hate money. if i could live without it, i would gladly opt to do so. ahhhhh.

i should make a country for my own people and make it a law that there can not be such a thing as currency and fuck all these countries who need money to exist. well...even though i have much anger inside, it doesn't feel like coming out. just wants to sleep right now. tired of everyone, i guess...too tired, it has now calmed itself down. lovely.

peace.

i'm feeling a certain kind of happiness that is overwhelming, but at the same time, relaxing. it's a strange kind of new feeling. i welcome it.

today was quite an odd day as this whole week has been. i haven't really had the time to recollect anything. i've been working and going to school almost every day this week. it's been great. i've been waking up almost every day too two hours before i have class, taking a 35 min. trek to the train station. it feels nice in the morning, although it is bad for me sometimes, because the sweat then turns into coldness and i start freezing. i tried drinking some liquor to warm my body up, but no luck. just made me colder. and of course the opposite of what happens to everyone would happen to me.

i'm actually looking forward to my classes this coming week. i think i lucked out this semester. and no more procrastination...that is my ultimate goal. that and sleeping. getting in plenty of sleep for my skin and peace of mind.

well, i don't have much to post as i am tired right now, so ,sorry if my blurbs suck ass. ciao ciao.

fluxus art. i remember walking through the walker art center almost every free thursdays. it's where i found the most inspiring of art. so many things i don't remember but are instead inscribed into my dated journals. barry mcgee and yoko ono's most famous piece i saw there. they moved me. and are still with me to this day. i love creating art. it makes me feel so wonderful inside. like, i am running forever with my feet touching the green grass and there are echoes of laughter all around me. and it's all happy again. i love it. i love this feeling of vague completeness.

even if i do not ever find the me that i need to be happy...art will always be there.

and i love hindi music. being raised with hindi music and movies, i just love it. the way they sing, softly building up and curving their voices into bends, folding and unfolding, like rivers. and the tabla. i can not even begin to speak about the tabla. if ever i was to put music out...i'd be sure to include the tabla in. definitely.

my current love right now is shreya ghoshal's voice. especially her singing in "agar tum mil jao". and rahat khan's (i believe that is his name if i remember correctly) "mann ki lagan". these are my two loves at the moment.

if i am able to listen to just one of these songs before i sleep, it will be too good.

anyway, tired now so must go to sleep.

ciao ciao. this entry isn't very exciting i know...but bare with me. i'm tired. exhausted in fact. ciao.

mwewuwuihdshakhd.

shhhkaeui.l
,kdewerejrfndks. yeh. babe. y.

can't you see...i am possibly high. at this moment?, i am typing this slowly because as i type, each weight of my fingertips on the buttons gives me this chill that drives me mad. like. feels. clenched teeth.

and the beautiful way these letters move as i type them onto this screen moves me in a way that i have never felt before.

i created this piece. in memory of memories as i seem to be doing a lot of lately.

a time piece of me, you and everybody else. there is a drawing of a self portrait of the me that i would have loved to been. naked and facing a world of blank emulsion. on a cliff, perhaps? it's open for interpretation. at the time, it was another setting. another location. you see...my moods and emotions and are just like me...nomadic. everything but my heart. who is stationary at this time, unable to move away from all this. but maybe my moods and emotions aren't nomadic even. because they get pulled back in and out. maybe just schizophrenic.

there are windows. pieces of you reflect through these windows. the you i loved. the you i remember so clearly that haunts me and is with me forever and ever. it's always hard to place your feelings. your thoughts. so i placed you behind a shower curtain with water moving as tears across a weathered face. an expressionless face. that i loved. that i was confused. i could not trust...there are shadows of trees shrouding over...my defense against the world. in a world without shadows. and now i am bored. fuck my ADD.

must continue some other time. i have suddenly become sober.

mm k's. gooooooo nite. cooooooooooookie crisp.

tired. so exhausted. and i really only walked around a lot today. that was it. why am i so exhausted.? i must go pick up some iron pills tomorrow. before i collapse. some ideas:

starting clothing company...names: "chalba"..."chicken & dino" with an already established logo in memory of memories so that it will all be complete. already have a keen idea of concepts roaming around in my stomach ready to purge onto shirts, shoes, everything. dozed in and out on the train coming into jersey...no industrial landscapes to see anyway because i sat by the wall. with no windows. and no luggage rack so i almost got away with no seating partner. but it happened for like the 5 minutes i was able to keep awake because the train door kept slamming.

walked quickly home just in case i was half asleep. farted halfway home. my stomach has been hurting a lot due to stress. stomach ulcer, i hate you. i must be harboring it with kisses. specially with the one meal a days days. but must be skinny. i like being skinny. i can walk around like nothing. but dizzy spells are no good. i can't even open a door without being pulled back into its original place with it. haha. and my pants fall down to my knees all the time.

dreaming right now...of sleep. of grass. of minneapolis childhood summers long gone. sadness fading in and out, reverberating almost. i can feel the sound waves and see them ooze softly through the air. hehe. wish i was a little closer so i could run across the midwest to home.

i remember my mom saying asha thinks she is pregnant with chocolate's (their dog) baby...whenever her stomach hurts. hehe. she's very consistent with the story too. i'm happy asha exists in this world, otherwise my family probably would be far worse. she is the hope and has brought much happiness to my parents' eyes. i am exhausted with happiness because of this.

...needed to empty my bank of thoughts. but i am sure that this is only 1/millionth of what is roaming in my head. sympathetic hearts...

i usually reread all my posts for spelling errors. tonite is free association...automatism nite. whatever comes to my tongue i shall speak. maybe with some censorship but rawness never invited anything restless.

my favorite portishead song..."humming"...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...well, time is up, must go sleepy now. goooooo niiiite.

i had the most beautiful dream...but it didn't turn out to be so beautiful. it was a momentary beautiful. maybe that was why i didn't want to wake up from that dream. i'm getting good at waking myself from my own dreams. but i couldn't wake myself up from this...

ahhhh...he was lying on a couch, it was crosshatched, brown, just like the one that he has in his kitchen. it even had the pillows and the cloth that his mom always draped over the shoulder of the couch. he was smiling at me like he had been lost for so long and in so much pain and finally had found peace. he pulled me close to him and hugged me so tightly just like that day...but so much tighter like if he held me less, he would lose me or me losing him all over again...

everything else seemed a blur...and then all the moments after that just seemed to be a mess, one after another...

the room was so bare except for that couch...and i was stuck in a crowd of confusion, all these voices rambling about drawing me so far away from him. i held a piece of paper with his address on it. it was an apartment...i was running everywhere, i finally found myself in this small winding road, so many buildings one after another, but i finally found it. i walked in...it was so dark and cold, everything metal outside and everything wood inside. the walls were peeling paint and the wood was aging with water devastation. i looked for the apartment directory and found his name. i don't really remember much, but just myself walking up the winding stairs then opening the door to the apartment and him not being there. and that's when i woke up.

...i don't even know how this dream happened. i've long stopped analyzing my dreams because they always brought trouble before. i hate remembering all my dreams. it always makes me so sad or so anxious. to think of one reality world and the other dream. one i am forced to have, and the other, i can't. ever. it's funny.

ahhhh. i always wonder how long it will take me to get over this...and when i do, it always brings to mind confucius' belief that for however long we were with that person that we loved, it will take us that long to get over them. five years. that means either five years of torture or five years of learning. it most likely will be both. but i don't think it will just be five years. i can't put a value on this...i will just be grateful for whenever this is all buried deep inside my heart.

only until now did i realize why people move from relationships to relationships after a relationship that meant so much. to distract all this pain and hurt inside...i've been finding myself moving closer and closer to that, but again i think. i think a lot at nite, when i should be sleeping. i wonder why...

if i don't deal with this now. when all my distractions have been wasted, i will be more of a mess. and i'd rather be a mess right now. i have no regrets...i cherish our love that much and i could never say anything bad about it, but only acknowledge. to many people this may not have seemed real, but i don't care. i've swallowed enough judgement from everyone for 5 years...i don't see how anyone else is living better than i in love or anything else.

heh...i did so many fucking stupid things. towards the end, it was all desperation. but i don't regret doing anything. i'd rather be stupid and have done stupid things then have not done anything at all. that's my limit now though. i can't afford anymore.

this will be my way of getting things out instead of letting it bury inside me. so don't worry and i'm sorry if you guys will have to put up with this some more, but i guess i am doing this for myself.

...i've thought before that i had to be the most pitiable person in the world...that love was strong and invincible. but all these things only happen in movies. because they can afford to be selfish on celluloid. haha. what a world...

i don't know if we all try to find people who are like us...that we find similarities in. so that we can share an affinity with. i've always wondered...i mean, isn't it hard at the same time to be with people who have similaities as us? i used to complain a lot about my friends...how they are this and that. and i really never listened to them...i realized i only saw and heard what i wanted to. i hate this censorship. i only realized that on monday. as i was listening to her talk, i was thinking at the same time in my head..."how come i've never heard this side of her only until now? every time before she was always so annoying"...i left that nite with a great feeling inside. kind of like when i went to go watch "the science of sleep" with my surrealism class and walked out of that theatre feeling so great inside because that movie was just ridiculously great. i believe i walked for a good 15 mins, just smiling and thinking how great a day it was...how the weather was just perfect, like in minneapolis, during the breezy august days of summer when i would go barefoot in our front lawn, purposely to feel my barefoot against the raw soft earth and the beautiful fresh bright green blades of grass. just for memories during the winter when i knew i would miss the good summer days.

every memory coupling with the other. a melange of memories, streaming down.

i was watching "fearless"...supposedly the last jet li martial arts movie. it was sweet and short. i don't know if maybe much of the dialogue was generalized, but i felt so drawn to it because much of what i believe or have been thinking of lately had something to do with the dialogue. but then that's what movies are...that's how they get people to watch them...is to generalize all emotions and feelings, right? it brought back confucius, coming face to face with yourself is the hardest fight...etc.etc.

and then it brings to mind...i've been watching a lot of asian cinema films lately and i feel i have more of an affinity with them than american films...or it's not even asian films, but anything foreign. maybe it's the language that really gets to me because i love language and most films with beautiful language draw me in. but...it always makes me think back to the whole "oriental feel" that has never left me with the tongues of those who have ever read my work or seen my art that weren't foreign. for instance, in my film writing class, my teacher said that my screenplay had a feeling of orientalism to it that is reminiscent of other oriental films. and then my creative writing teacher, short story teacher, my foundations photography teacher, and now my seminar photography teacher. i don't mind it like how i used to think...i used to get upset because i hated all these labels..."asian", "oriental", i just wanted it to be mine. i still don't see the orientalness in my work, but i don't mind because after watching so much of these asian cinema films, i'm happy to be just associated with them in label.

i don't know...

everything does seem to be more flared in emotion in foreign flicks. but the language is just so beautiful. so beautiful i could drown in it.

there is a line from the movie devdas that i absolutely love...where devdas is speaking to the courtesan chandramukhi who is in love with him..."Chandramukhi, I can't say how the gods of virtue will judge you. But, I do know if I meet you again, in another life, I will not be able to resist you." i don't know why but i just thought that that line was very clever. and then there's wong kar wai's "in the mood for love" and "2046". i can't even begin to form the words...the whole movie of both was just too amazing.

ahhhh...words that broke my heart. i can still remember. and they weren't from anyone expected. it was from the one person who i felt would never ever break my heart because i felt she considered me one of hers. that was my first real heart break. haha. everytime i see someone on the subway that looks like her, i feel my heart breaking all over again. we're taught to respect our elders and love and respect them. but why can't they learn that too? for us, the ones who care about them...the ones who hurt because they hurt. i mean, i know she was going through a lot of pain, but i don't think it's right to hurt someone back because they're hurting. but this is all very idealistic, i've been told. and it's sad.

ahhhh...i confided in her as much as my heart was willing to. i cried with her and comforted her. and i don't regret any of it. i just wish she respected me more to not say such hurtful things to me. but she couldn't help but laugh and say those words that you only think of hearing in dramas. that's when and how i knew how much i was worth. haha. thinking back, it hurts even more hearing my mom's words ring true. but i kept burying them...ahhhh. "they never even call you..." hmmmm...i'm still indulging all this in. one last time before i breathe. i remember her smile...her warmth when chalba and i was baking cookies for the kids...we were having so much fun baking, i was goofing around with him and saying that i messed up on the directions, which i really did...but i told him i didn't, but they still came out fine. we always had so much fun cooking or baking together. we were running around throwing powder on each other and whipping each others asses with the towel and tying our aprons on for each other. he wore the feminine one because i made him and i wore nothing over my clothes...she was in the next room, relaxing in the recliner and talking to her girl friend and came over to see what all the commotion was...i caught her smile and laughter as she walked back while he and i toned it down.

i remember the first time i made some papaya salad for them and it turned out so bad but they still ate it and never said anything bad. i felt so lucky and so happy because they felt like my family. they were so welcoming. i remember the first time i went to saint louis...he and his father were waiting by the side of the area where a lot of people were waiting for their loved ones to come home. even before my eyes could fall over them, he pulled me into his hold and everything else was just a huge blur. gosh, he always so sweet. flowers. he always surprised me. i miss everything so much...i miss playing with his little nephew...watching him skateboard after us. hehe. chalba pulling us in the little red wagon around the neighborhood. ohhhhhh. this hurts.

that first time i went to st. louis, i was so exhausted because i hadn't slept a wink, being so anxious at finally being with him. when we got into the car, he laid my head on his lap and his dad worried for a second when he turned back to look at us and my head was on his lap. i felt embarrassed, but i was finally with him so i didn't care. i remember going to his best friend's birthday party at a hotel on that same day at nite. we burnt leaves underneath a sewer tunnel and talked with his friends then ran through empty event rooms. his friend played the piano and we all sat around in the couches, staring up at the crystal chandelier, vexed at having nothing to say or not knowing what to say next and finally his best friend saying that we're all staring at the chandelier. we were all hungry and some of them went back up to the hotel room to get money for snacks while i went to the bathroom. he came inside the women's bathroom with me and we talked for a bit then he went out to his friends and i came back out. cody told me that he wanted to know what i wanted to eat.

i have only memories of five short years, but they are enough for me. they are enough to fill my heart with happiness and pain. i might not have had enough time like everyone else is so lucky to have, but...to me, they are the equivalent, if not more.

that time...when we went to the art museum and we saw an asian couple. he lifted me up so randomly, it surprised me and he swung me around, exclaiming that we were going to be parents. then we walked aimlessly around, with his huge blue bubble jacket wrapped around both of us as he secretly held me inside. we walked to the little park pond that was undergoing construction at the time, and i asked him if he'd love me forever, even if i was so depressing...he said he would forever and that i was being silly with all that talk. we walked for miles and miles for hours and hours. and that was also the first time he told me i had a mustache. haha. i reminded him of that 3 years later and he said he never said that. haha. and if he did, it was only to tease me. man...

to think how much he's changed. i know our love for each other has worn both of us down so much...

it makes me sad to see how he's built this "tough" shell around him. to me, he will always be my dino. my soft, loving and wonderful dino. we've definitely had our rough times, but he's also spoiled me a lot. i know i did a lot of wrong things to him...and i won't ever forgive myself for that. but maybe this was good for us. for us to learn. we probably met at the wrong time in our lives, but i wouldn't have had it any other way when i think about it. maybe sometimes i wish for something else, but...when i really think about it, it was my most happiest time.

trust me...i did a lot of horrible things. because i was stupid, and i'm not ready to acknowledge it with the rest of the world. so it will end here.

i've locked myself in my room for four days straight with no human contact. only excuses to feed my friends. i lie so much...and to protect something that i am aware of, but do not understand. i've been sleeping with the lights on because every little small noise frightens me. and because when i first moved here, i had the lights off and there would always be shuffling noises near my ear at odd hours, waking me up and not allowing me to sleep. finally my parents told me to sleep with the lights on and after three weeks of constant fear and sweat, the noises stopped. my parents sent me these hmong shamanism objects to help charm these "spirits" away. even though i have them, i am still scared to turn the lights off.

...the bags under my eyes have become mountains...

i feel depressed because i haven't been able to get a job and i feel useless at the moment. not to mention the depressing environment that is east orange, new jersey. i hate this place. i can't stress that enough. and i hate new jersey transit for charging so much for a ticket. but i hate myself most of all for everything.

but maybe i should stop hating myself and maybe things will become better...i don't know.

there are so many things i am confused about. i was talking to olga about talking about my work to other people because i was and am confused about why i have to share my private ideas behind my photos with complete strangers. i always freeze up in class because of this...it's not that i don't know what my photos are about...just that i don't want to share with strangers, my personal feelings. i mean, photography is a means of visual communication and she brought up the fact that we are still students, so we have to talk about work to get it out there and to get others' input on them. and i agree...but i don't want to do work that i can talk about...because then it won't mean as much as the work i am doing now. she was telling me about a classmate who cried while talking about her personal work because it was just that personal and scary to convey to others.

i would probably faint in the middle of talking about my work...i mean, it's already hard for me to read my own writings to people...but it's easier for me through writing because i can and do write it in abstract form so as nothing honest is lying on the surface.

i think that is my most blunt post so far...

i've been drinking a lot of chai tea lately...it's getting cold out and inside my room as well. i go to sleep with two shirts, my cardigan sweater, comfortable pants and socks on. i can't afford to get sick any time soon. i've been eating once a day to shed these pounds that i gained during the last months of school last year and orlando. no more mexican food...although i will miss frequenting the little chinese-run tex-mex place...although the chinese lady that i adored last year isn't there anymore. i also don't have the time to eat more than once a day.

i must go to sleep now...my brain is screaming but my stomach is crying for the bathroom and well, it usually takes me about an hour to an hour and a half to fall asleep and i must wake up at 9 to shower then head to school. ahhhhh. zindagi...(life in hindi)

oh yeh...been trying to learn hindi, korean, chinese...so far...respectively...

ek (one), mahiya (happiness), errr...yeh, gotta go sleep. some other time.

ciao ciao.

...mmm...i can't sleep so i am here, on livejournal, writing. i'm thinking too much when my body wants to sleep.

my mind has been on such a wonderful vacation this summer, everything i've been trying to escape from is all flooding back into my mind.

i feel like a drunkard at the moment, where i won't get to be as abstract with my thoughts as i usually am. i'm such a criminal with my words. i really miss being with my family, just being around love. part of me misses him as well, but i know things are better this way.

love is just a memory, after all, that we want to visit back upon until we get it right. love is a memory where it evokes no real feelings, but lulls you with a momentary comfort...

but it's hard to pull away when you've felt and understood love and then everything feels just like lies.

stationary and progressive. love is stationary and we are the ones, constantly changing. we move with time. unfortunately love doesn't.

everything's being pulled in different directions...

where do you place the reality?

...i'm comfortable here now. but...ugh, i feel the pull sometimes. i'm such a dumbass sometimes. i let my feelings fleet from my mind and everything just starts to burn then i recollect myself. and it repeats itself all the time. life does not revolve around that other person. sometimes it's painful because it's still so early for me...there's all that love, selfishly being flaunted in front of my heart. but it's quickly followed by all the pain and everything just becomes divided. and then i am comfortable.

it's ok. sometimes i watch the lines being drawn and it makes me happy, but only after sadness evades me, but even then, it's a fake happiness because i just want what we all want for ourselves. but it's our different ways of dealing with things, i guess. what i see being drawn is probably what others see being drawn for me.

i wish we could all just make peace with ourselves instead of waging battles. but i guess when the mind is at war with the heart , it's inevitable.

well, anyway, i'm friggin tired. i should rest this soft heart of mine before it bleeds more. heh.

boom boom.

zi.ndagii kii lau pe jalna. kaa.nch ka sapna gal hii na jaaye. soch samajhke aa.nch rakhna.

so i finally just watched the modern version of solaris...finally, after 2 years of searching for it. it wasn't a bad movie. it was actually beautiful...it really got down to the core of the love story although it wasn't anything like the book, it was definitely well adapted. i was kind of scared to watch it at first because the book was so fucking amazing, but the movie did the book some justice.

...perhaps i will watch the old russian version next...

in my philosophy class we actually read one of stanislaw lem's short stories...this man is amazing...the stories that he comes up with are amazing.

ahhhh, i have a headache so i shall write more later.

before the rain falls, it smells like incense...

i don't know if i want to go out and practice driving...i'm in a killing mood right now and driving...i don't know if that would help or make things worse. i might just want to swerve the car into another car or some other irrational swing. i guess i was waiting for this moment to come. it's been a while since i've been holding back this force. but...i knew, sooner or later, it'd be here and i'd have to understand how to ease it back into my life.

i guess it would have been easier if mousey and jim hadn't gotten into another argument that turned "violent" (hence the quotes). it was a beautiful day to start off with. i actually got some sleep in without remembering any of my dreams. the first of many nights with countless dreams and waking up at 6 only to wake up every 30 mins thereafter.

...i'm insane.

i'm trying to wake up from this childish dream.

a couple of nights ago, mousey made me mad because no matter what i say, she thinks that i still have hopes for him to come back into my life. i'm not like my mother and i never will be. i made my last search and my last words to him and i will never regret what i did or say, but i would never allow him back into my life. not after what he's done and said...and it will take several years for me to rid him out of my thoughts words and dreams, but that doesn't mean that i still want him back in my life...

those are two complete different things and i don't think that anyone would understand that unless they had really felt what i felt...

ridding someone out of your life after 5 years together is not as easy as it seems.

i've just been listening to a lot of percussions lately to help subside things erupting inside of me.

percussions help ease these tensions inside me.

and wailing vocals. hindi music and led zeppelin. it's been a turnover between the two.

i told jim and mousey i needed to pen some thoughts down before i could make my decision to go driving. i want to practice driving so that if i ever felt like leaving from here or feeling stifled, i could, and just drive to the end of the earth. haha.

...ahhhh, all right, i'm getting out of here...i'm feeling stifled.

so...i watched closer. i must rant and destroy that movie. first off, f'ing horrible movie if ever i saw one. and i have seen many. this is just another one to toss among the many.

if i could describe it, i guess it would be...an adult movie that has the same dialogue scheme as dawson's creek with even worse actors who can not act for shit. all the emotions were dry and cut and it was more a "i hate love" movie then the adult love story it claims to be. all the cheating and interrelationship sex making in this movie was just laughable and hearing clive owen and julia roberts go at it in turmoils was laughable.

at least natalie's acting wasn't all that bad...same for jude law. but all in all...horrible movie. do not watch. haha.

i did watch that weeping camel movie however, and that movie was phenomenal. it was so beautiful and once i get the money...it will end up in my permanent dvd collection. maybe it's something my mommy can appreciate or something like that...

i've been watching a lot movies...mousey and jim go to the downtown library a lot to check out movies. most of them are scratched though...but it's fun watching them. i thought i would watch more television once i got down here, but i've only watched about an hour of t.v. so far. i can't stand watching television and there's really never anything interesting on anyway.

i've mostly been taking care of the house, cleaning up after mousey's roommate and his sister and her husband's messes. it's quite tiring, i tell you. they make messes everyday. nothing is ever clean and they have so many cockroaches here...it freaks me out. i have to be careful when i open the cupboards cause they could be climbing on the sides and fly towards you. haha. i guess i should vacuum the whole house today cause they have baby fireants in the house and i've been itching a lot lately. it's quite boring here with no means of transportation...well, there is the bus but i am quite broke right now with only 25 dollars to my name. haha. and well, who wants to take the bus when it's so hot out...

i have to say...mousey and jim keep their house pretty nice although jim is a bit anal as to which utensils should be used for which and whatnot. but it's their house, so it's cool. i've been 409ing everything in their house. haha. even their floors, instead of mopping. i hate mopping.

they really should exterminate their house though...it's so horrible. well, the landlord is responsible for it, really. by law, they are suppose to do it at least once every 2-3 years. i doubt they have done any of that at all. that's why places never last long because nobody knows how to take care of their places. i imagine this place will die in a couple of years.

it would help also for her room mate and his family to help clean up after themselves after cooking instead of leaving plates with left over food on the counter for the cockroaches and leaving spilled oil or food caked all over the counters and range area. idiots!

i like for things to be really clean. i hate bugs, germs and all that dirty stuff.

wellll, because i am itching like crazy and i just took a shower, i am going to go vacuum and whatnot.

ciao de ciao.

ahhhh...i am able to breathe. i am here in orlando, florida. tourist capital of the nation, second to that of manhattan, but it has its own ugly rear head. it's not like i didn't get here without embarrasing myself though...

it's been a useless and pathetic week, doing nothing. i feel like a total waste, but hopefully soon, I will be working. I am going for an interview on monday at 2:30...so hopefully, I get the job. I really wanted to work at an asian restaurant, moreso in specifics, a sushi place, but this place will suffice for now. i just really need to start making money so i can afford to pay my bills that are coming up towards the end of the month.

it's been a long while since i have journaled here, i don't really find any attachment to this place. i guess i am just journaling in here to make myself seem useful. this summer, though, i am going to try to do everything that i need to do or want to do...such as, write term papers so that i get used to writing them again so that i don't put them off for so long or until the end of the semester so i don't stress myself out so much.

exercise because all this weight i am accumulating is making me nauseous. dance, dance away. i've been watching a lot of korean and japanese dance offs. mainly hip-hop. i'm trying to learn how to pop and lock...so far, i've learned how to do the arm wave. haha. i'm still not really good with being smooth with my joints, but time with practice will make me better.

i really need to do number three right about now, so i shall be back some time other.

just wanted to let you guys know i am well and alive and will be replying to emails and such that i have been avoiding due to time constraints and stress and finals and whatnot. kk thx la~

...i'm about to lose my mind.

i'm kind of just waiting now for myself to crash and crash hard and then burn till there's no skin or bones left to bury.

i've been craving music everywhere i go. the mp3 player colby gave me is officially broken and i really either want to invest in an ipod or something better to last me. i crave zeppelin while walking, while shooting, while printing in the darkroom. at times, i feel i could torture myself and carry my heavy laptop with me to work and school and on the subway, but i'm too weary in mind and body to do so.

...i crave music to drown my thoughts from killing me physically and emotionally.

i crave janis, i crave singing...i crave music.

i love the guitars and janis' voice. it's so beautiful...the steel, the muted, the acoustic

har har...

i'm gonna take to the sky.

wish people could listen to the words that come out of them. ... wish for a lot of things ...just wasting my time. har har...

balls and chains. feels so heavy and so light....................................

licks and breaks fdsjfslkfjweoifeiouhgeklkwkefwkrweilweuihfeuigrejk

DON'T READ SO MUCH INTO THIS. THIS IS JUST MY FRUSTRATION SPILLING OVER. JUST LET IT SPILL OVER.

so finally...after a long hiatus, i am updating once again.

just lately i've been busy with school work, a midterm in the philosophy of human nature class...and miscellaneous stuff. i got my manager to change my schedule to morning shifts now except for fridays where there is an exception for nite time. it's getting colder again outside and i hate that. i kind of just wish it was already summer, but my body isn't ready for that either...physically. i'm a huge blob inside and winter was my shelter from all of that.

i've been dreaming and thinking a lot about colby lately...i even thought of making an excuse to go get my notebook from him upstate just so i can see him again...gosh, just anyone talking about relationships now makes me sick to my stomach. i usually just try and flee the conversation. i'm sick of that whole relationship, infidelity conversation and having kids, marriage...the whole thing. it just sucks because most of the people i work with are of that age where they want to get married and have kids and i'm just like..."yeh...". i don't want to talk about it or even hear about it.

my two closest friends at work are leaving...one left today and one will be leaving next week...it kind of depresses me because as much as i like working with guys better, i have to say, i'd rather take these two girls over this one puerto rican guy i am working with right now. i got into an argument with him last week over me calling him a "biatch" jokingly. it was funny because he was telling me that i shouldn't call him that because it downgrades him to the same level as woman...and that i probably have a white boyfriend that i call a "biatch", but with him, it's not all right.

you can imagine my reaction...haha. i was in awe and kept asking, "dude, are you serious?"...then right there when he said the whole white boyfriend thing, it entirely just made me really angry because how are you going to bring race into this trivial argument that first of all, has nothing to do with race. i told him, "i call everyone a biatch ok? honey, you're not special" and then i went on to let him know that there is no such word as biatch and that it's just a loose slang word...he was like..."if you said that to a hispanic person or a black person, i promise you, you will get slapped in the face"...i just wanted to say..."excuse me BIATCH, and now i don't mean that jokingly, but you use the word nigga and it isn't nigga either, it's with an 'er' and i promise you, because you aren't black, you'd get your ass kicked"...of course, i didn't because i just wanted to end this trivial matter. when i explained to this idiot...to this...guy who is going to be my assistant manager what trivial meant, he said it was wrong...he thought it meant something of significance...i was just like..."ok, dude, and you went to Parsons? part of the new school university where it boasts one of the best liberal arts program in the nation? wow...yeh...ok...oh yeh and i forgot, you're 33 and you use the word nigga with an 'er'...my bad, BIATCH"...i went on to let this BIATCH know that i will call him a biatch for as long as i please and whenever i want to. usually i don't like to tell other people my business, but in this case, it had to be known among my co-workers and manager that this guy is a complete ignorant idiot...so, now everyone makes fun of him and calls him "BIATCH" which he deserves with his huge man ego.

seriously...this guy comes to work and takes off his clothes so we can see his thermal pressed against his "hot body". he claims women stare at him all the time...i'm just like..."probably at how ugly you are or what a big nose you have or maybe all the pimples on your face or...what nappy hair you have"...take your pick as your litter is as huge as your ego. i hate guys like that. they disgust me. and just what annoys me is that he owes a bank 60 dollars for overdraft fee from not knowing that banks charge you for going over...he just thought, he had a lot of money in the bank so ended up with 200 dollars or so in charges...and anyway, rather than finishing up and paying that 60 bucks so he can reopen another checking account to make things easier on himself...he buys custom made adidas shells. he's always color coordinated and tops the chain of metrosexual.

anyway, enough of this idiot. it will only deepen my dislike towards him. i tried to be friendly to him, but since he didn't want that, now we are just officially talking on business level only.

har har.

today after failing my midterm ...i am pretty sure...i realize now, i really need some memory loss pills. i can't remember shit and the shit i don't want to remember, i remember so clearly. i would like a little of lacuna done as well and a lot of gingko biloba or whatever helps best because my memory is so fucking shot, it is driving me crazy!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh, gotta go and run away...yesss...run, run, run, all i want to do is runnnnnn. among the green grass blades...cutting into the soft soles of my feet...weathering them and conditioning them with tough love. yesss...can't wait for florida although florida won't make me happy, but i sure as hell am happy i am leaving here for a while. pleeeeease come sooon, or i will die.

yey, ok, bye now.